Monday, January 31, 2011

Diary of An Assault Vehicle

The year is 2017, and we've entered Troubled Times. People are hungry and jobs are scarce. Hyperinflation has gutted the economy. Gasoline costs $28 a gallon, and rationing is in effect. Crime is way, way up. Society is ripping apart at the seams. In some places there is no police presence. P fled to the ranch years ago, while I still commute to my city job. We both drive up-armored vehicles that can take abuse, and power thru hot spots, and get us from Point A to Point B whether on the highway or deep in the sticks. There is no other option.

Zoom, my trusty pickup truck, has been heavily modified over the years. When I first bought him back in 2009, I added a high performance K&N air filter (12 hp), an after-market cat-back exhaust system (8 hp), an aluminum tool box, and an R&B front winch bumper w/winch. And, I purposely bought his model & make because he had a factory-installed supercharger (30 hp).

Since then I've added 4 run-flat tires, a lift kit, and ballistic film to the inside of the windows & windshield. I had someone build and install an interior roll cage w/racing harnesses. Plate steel is welded to the front bumper, and the bed is lined with sandbags. The rear bumper, the spare tire, the hood and the rear windows have all been removed to reduce weight.

I am a very cautious driver and avoid trouble at all costs, but Oaktown is Oaktown. I have rammed cars with Zoom, and driven him over center dividers and across empty lots and soccer fields. I've outraced a chase vehicle in him, and he's taken gunfire.
__________

Now it's 2022. Things have gotten much worse. I still have my job, so I have cash -- I'm one of the lucky ones. But much of Oaktown has descended into total, impoverished lawlessness. The streets are dangerous, strewn with garbage and debris at the best of times, the scene of riots and shootouts at the worst of times.

Zoom has been further retrofitted. He now has headers in addition to his other engine augmentations (20 hp). The heavy sandbags have been removed from his bed, as has his heavy lift gate. They are no longer needed, because his cab has been armored with lightweight Kevlar shielding. His windshield is coated with a superstrength nano-polymer that makes it impervious to small-arms fire. His rear windows, their glass long removed, have been sealed off with heavy gauge wire mesh. He is painted urban camo. I carry gas grenades, a pepper spray pistol and a taser in the car with me. Gasoline costs $42 a gallon and Zoom gets 14 miles to the gallon. I still drive him, but not nearly as often as I used to.
___________

2028. I live up in TC now, out in the boonsticks at LittleFoot. Zoom is 25 years old. I've owned him for 19. I have put a fortune into him over the years.

Five years ago, when I moved up here, I had his old gasoline engine removed and replaced with a plug-in multi-fuel series hybrid. He now gets 100+ miles per gallon, and much of the time I drive him in electric "stealth" mode. His cab and engine compartment are armored with lightweight polymer shielding. All his windows are nano-coated and have built-in gun ports. His sides are dented and bullet-riddled from a hundred bad days. He's painted digital camo. Still has the ARB front winch bumper. I carry a short-barreled shotgun, pistols and grenades in the cab. There is no law up here in TC, none at all except what we co-ops and ranches make for ourselves. It's not safe to drive Zoom around without gunmen in the back and additional escort vehicles.
__________

Now it's 2035, and I am 67 years old. Holy shit how the world has changed. Los Angeles was evacuated in 2030 and the Bay Area has flooded from global warming, causing a huge influx of people into the mountains of TC. It's like the Wild West x 10, with thousands upon thousands of refugees staking claims all over the National Forest.

Last year I switched out Zoom's hybrid power plant for a Borden fuel cell, stuck in a low-gear, full-time 4wd transmission, and replaced his rotted-out bed with an aluminum flatbed. He hasn't seen pavement in years. He's got three coats of nano-armor on him, and airless tires. We mounted an old .50 cal in the bed, facing forward, and a 10 gauge Steeger ShotCanon behind it, facing backward, and he is the official workhorse for our local security force, the LittleFoot Lightning Bolts.

Together we move on down the road.


Saturday, January 29, 2011

Old Tires & Levis

Here are some things you can do with old tires:

•Stack several of them vertically, fill them with dirt and use the tube as a planter.
•Build walls by stacking them in vertical tubes, side-by-side, and pounding dirt into them as you build the tubes upward. These walls contain thermal mass that acts as insulation. Earthships are built this way.
•Ring your After-TSHTF vehicle with tire bumpers so that you can bash thru shit without damaging it.
•Stack & fill with rebar & concrete to make permanent roadblocks.
•Stack in levels to create retaining walls.
•Make sandals (huaraches).
•Burn them to make distress signals or to create After-TSHTF roadblocks.
•Make a hose bib by removing the metal wheel rim from the tire, nailing the rim to a vertical post, then looping the garden hose over the rim. These look very vintage & cool!

Things to do with old Levis:

•Shred them and use the material as insulation.
•Cut patches out of them for black powder shooting.
•Cut them into rags.
•Cut the legs off & sew the leg bottoms shut to make storage tubes.
•Make cut-off jeans.


It's a start.

Uses for Old Inner Tubes

• Cut old motorcycle or car or truck inner tubes into sections, pack them with ammo/dry foods/weapons, seal the ends and bury them. The VC & NVA did this in Vietnam.
• Make dog toys.
• Make rubber bands.
• Clear a drain by sticking a hose nozzle in the drain, sealing the pipe around it with inner tube rubber, and blasting the hose til the blockage is dislodged.
• Make a belt.
• Clamp glued projects.
• Make a rubber ball.
• Use as a funnel or hose.
• Make temporary gaskets.
• Make shoe insoles.
• Reduce vibration.
• Protect wiring.
• Protect ropes.
• Use as a makeshift oil filter wrench or jar-opener.
• Combine with hose clamps for a non-slip clamp.
• Use to make waterproof bags.
• Cane a chair.
• Make your swing set safer - cover exposed chains with tubing.
• Make a wallet.
• Make an iPod case.
• Make a stretchy rope.
• Combine with sticks or bamboo to make a trellis.
• Slide down snowy hills on inflated tubes.
• Tube a river.
• Cut into small pieces to use as patches on other inner tubes.
• Use lengths of tube as stretch-ties like they do in The Congo.
• Make non-slip sleeves for pistol grips, Zippos, hammers & other tools.
• Make shims.
• Store batteries in them.
• Armor your bike frame against chain/off-road damage.
• Make a geocache container.
• Make a tree protector by running wire thru a tube and wrapping the wire around the tree.

Retreat Housing


Finally caved in & bought a retreat trailer. It was dirt cheap and the interior is clean & comfortable. It's got most RV gizmos, circa 1984, including a state-of-the-art sound system with a cassette deck, central propane heating, rooftop AC/heat (electric), 1 battery w/room for 2, a propane water heater, an electric water pump, a propane stove w/electric vent fan, interior lights, an awning, a 3-way refrigerator & freezer, a queen-size bed, a convertible couch, a shower & marine toilet, 1 propane tank w/room for 2. Once it's installed at the retreat, the space under the front hitch will be outfitted with a pallet deck & used for storage or lounging.

Can't wait to bring this up to speed. Short term, gotta sterilize the interior to remove any trace of the former inhabitants, figure out how everything works, fill & install 2 propane bottles, charge & wire 2 marine batteries, outfit the kitchen w/cutlery & all that crap.

Gotta dig & pour 4 concrete footings at the retreat for it to rest on.

Once it's installed, gotta hook up a gray water line, buy a generator & build a ramada to shield it from the elements.

More projects, more fun. Keeps me out of trouble.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Three Jokes - Never Mind the Politics

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Flugerville and is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time “working girl”.

All things considered, my problem is this… I love my fiancĂ© and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who is an Obama supporter?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

____________________________


Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
Woman yells out window, PIG!
Man yells out window, Bitch!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

___________________________


Q. What's the difference between a hippie and an onion?

A. Nobody cries when you cut a hippie!

The Self-Stun

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this to www.AmericanPreppersNetwork.net:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that
it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace.

· The recliner was upside down and about
8 feet or so from where it originally was.

· My triceps, right thigh and both
nipples were still twitching.

· My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

· I had no control over the drooling.

· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts,
but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of
smell was gone.

· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe
return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!



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Thursday, January 06, 2011 | 5 Comments

Life in the Moge


Mogadishu, Somalia. Twenty straight years of anarchy, and counting. A bullet-riddled city ruled by warring clans and streetfighters-for-hire. I lifted these photos from sites around the net to give you a glimpse into life after TSHTF.